When my dad was a kid, his dad died of cancer. When I was a kid, my granddad died of cancer. My Nana bravely buried two husbands and then tried as best she could to figure out life as a single female. The first time, with three kids. The second time with three adult kids, and a whole slew of grandkids. For most of my adult life she and I have competed for men. Obviously not for the SAME man, but we would always compare notes. Date nights, pick up lines, gentleman-li-ness. Chances are if you’ve taken me on a date in the last decade or so, she’s gotten some sort of run down on your merits. That is, until 2 years ago.
Two years ago my Nana beat me to the altar. At 77, she and Clarence tied the knot. We call him Papa Frog, which is hilarious and awesome all at the same time. They’ve both buried 2 spouses and yet found it within themselves to fall in love again. And in love they are. I just got off the phone with her and she said, “We’re just crazy about each other and we’re going to take care of each other for the rest of our lives.” Precious. Inspiring.
Their story is inspiring to me because as I’ve walked through the loss of the child I thought would be my son, I’ve often gone through periods of questioning whether or not I can open myself up again to fall in love? To be brave even though the chances of another loss are still present. It is not certain, 100% certain, that a new adoption will go through. There is growing concern that single parent adoptions will be banned in Ethiopia. There is always a chance that something will fall through. Although I am not confident in much these days, I do know that I am doing what I was called by God to do. By watching Nana and Papa Frog being willing to open themselves up again, to love, but also to the potential loss that they know so, so well, I am inspired to do the same. To open myself. To say, I know the pain of loss, but I believe the joy of living is too sweet to give up. The joy of living with another human. Of sharing life with someone. For Nana, it is a spouse. For me it is a child. Specifically, a son.
Not too long ago, I decided to open the adoption again, after putting it on hold when everything fell through this summer. I was recently blessed with another referral (it’s a boy! . . . just in case you didn’t pick that up earlier) and I am starting to again walk through the giant paperwork mess that is international adoption. I’m having to re-do all sorts of things that I thought were already done. I spent the better part of yesterday and today filling out all sorts of tedious governmental-esque forms and trying to be hopeful. Mixed emotions is the best way to describe where I am. I am excited about the new little guy, but am also sad because the loss of the other one is more confirmed. Yet, I still firmly believe that God is in control and that he has a plan. For me, for my new referral, and for the one that I lost.
As I wade into this ocean of emotions, paperwork, conversations, and WAITING, I covet your thoughts and prayers. Please pray that God makes clear his plan for my life and the lives of these precious children. Please pray that I have wisdom in some big decisions that I have to make in the coming months. Please pray a blanket of safety over the boys. Please pray for swift processing of the adoption and that the government does not ban single parent adoptions. Please pray for healing in my own heart as I open it again.
