On the day I lost the baby I had 26 voice mail messages, about 100 text messages, and dozens of missed calls when I turned on my phone that night. The next day, I got even more.
Even though I wasn’t in a place where I could take the calls, It made me feel really, really loved.
I’m slowly reaching the place where I can talk about stuff a little bit. Read: I’m comfortable telling the occasional friend who doesn’t know, but asks about the adoption, “Yeah, it’s not going so well. I lost the baby.” It’s still really awkward. I’m still really awkward.
I’m still working on getting comfortable when people in my inner circle ask me harder questions like, “So how are you REALLY doing?” Most of the time, I just try to change the subject and talk about something funny. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, well actually it IS that I don’t want to talk about it. But more so, it’s that I have a few people that I’m in deep enough relationships with at this time in my life, that I can really open up to them and let my “uglies” hang out so to speak. Don’t worry, you’re not missing much if you aren’t one of those people. It’s not very pretty. I’ve never been a pretty crier.
Most of the time though, I cry by myself. It’s something I’ve discovered that I need to do as I’m walking through this process. Kind of weird, but whatever, it’s where I’m at.
That said, I’m slowly but surely trying to reach out to all of you. I want to tell you in person (or as in person as I can get), that YOU mean a lot to me. I can’t promise that it will be soon, but I’ll do what I can.
So I don’t know much about swimming, and I know even less (read *nothing at all*) about being a professional athlete. However, some of my friends know a great deal about both of those things. And for those of you who don’t know, next week is the FINA World Championships in Rome. Apparently, it’s kind of a big deal.
That said, best of luck George, Alana, Mark, Cesar, Targett, Jakob & all of the other awesome Auburn-ites!
Getting back to basics and doing things that I love.
Also, to all of my longboarding friends who are out of town . . . GET BACK HERE ASAP! I mean it!
I am not a movie buff . . . and my friends have recently taken it upon themselves to catch me up to speed. This weekend’s classic:
The back story, and the cat I never told you about:
Before I left for the beach, South Carolina, or Greece, I found a cat . . . under a bush . . . when I was running . . . past the bowling alley . . . on a five lane road. Said cat was hurt pretty badly and my friend and I decided that we should do something about it. Short story shorter: Awesome veterinarians healed the cat, added a few shots and a few stitches, and then. . . the cat moved to my house . . . and then I went away.
If you know anything about me, or have glanced at the “about me” section of this blog, you might gather that cats aren’t exactly my forte. It’s not for lack of trying, but generally speaking, cats just don’t like me, and I don’t particularly care for them. This cat was quite different though. She is more like a dog, and when I found her, she had (and still has) a mohawk. For real. Anyway, fortunately for me (and all parties involved), John (my most favorite dog sitter) fell in love with the cat while I was in Greece. She has since moved in with John and was named Holly . . . after Holly Golightly . . . from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Which, until yesterday, was a movie that I had never seen. But now I have seen the movie. And now I get it.
Potlucks and these people.
In my life I’ve learned that I have to do very distinct things to stay healthy. Not just physically healthy (although that’s a big part of it), but more so mentally and emotionally healthy. These are the things that I need.
I need rest.
Rest in many different forms. Rest as in sleeping. Rest as in quiet moments. Rest as in rejuvenation.
I need food.
Really, really good food. Food that I saw grow from the seed and beautify gardens. Food that makes friends linger and laugh together. Food that brings life and health to my body.
I need exercise.
Running until my legs feel like they are going to fall off. Running until my lungs burn the deep burn of pushing my body to the edge of itself. Running with reckless abandon after the things of life.
I need family.
As my mom would say, “because family’s family, and that means something.”
I need friends.
Friends who aren’t afraid to laugh or cry with me. Friends who give hugs. Friends who are willing to get down to this business of living life together. Friends who are willing to get messy and involved.
I need love.
Love that comes from people that know me well and love me anyways. Love that comes from God. Love that shows me that being just who I am, where I am. . .as simply and honestly as I can, is all I have to do.
I need hope.
Hope that everything is going to be OK. That I’m going to be OK.
These. These are the things that I need.
Over the past few weeks I’ve really come to cherish the warm embraces of people who love me. In other words, my friends give great hugs. Some of them were comfort hugs-like the kind where you can cry on their shoulder and stain their shirt with your pain. Some of them were “wow, it’s SO GREAT to see you!” hugs from long and far away friends. Still others were hugs that gave me strength. Strength to keep going. Strength to make decisions that are scary. Strength to not be afraid of what ‘might’ happen in the future. My friend Trish gave me one of those the other day. She just kept saying over and over, “You ARE strong. You ARE strong.” It was very reinforcing to hear that.
During this time I’ve had moments where I think I actually felt my heart break. It wasn’t all of the sudden. Actually it was eerily slow–and it hurt. It was as if some one took a straw and sucked the life out of me. Slowly. It took a while for me to even notice it was happening, but after a while I had the distinct realization that I was broken. Physically it felt like I was suffocating and no matter how deep I tried to breathe in, to find life, to find hope I couldn’t get enough air.
Several people in my inner circle have asked me if I feel God telling me anything. The answer a week ago was no. The answer today is sometimes I catch glimpses. My faith tells me to keep believing in God’s plan and His purposefulness. To keep moving towards that which I have been called to do.
Sometimes I wonder if my heart has the capacity to do this whole thing again. I’m not sure. I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. Thank goodness that’s all I’m asked to do anyway. Moment by moment. Step by step. Breath by breath.
Currently in Greece enjoying life. Definitely needed this. Definitely feeling restored. Definitely more to do here than in Auburn. I’ll post more on the flip side.
I still don’t like you, BUT I miss my friends. Particularly this one, this one, and this one.
Top 5 10 vacation moments so far:
1. Laughed until I cried, and then laughed some more
2. Saw the ocean & a few jumping fish
3. Ate good food, with great friends & a few divas (you know who you are)
4. Got lost jet skiing on the intercostal waterway in a labyrinth of marsh grass
5. Went on a great beach runs
6. Spent time with family & friends (hey everybody!, hey turnbaugh!)
7. Went bridge jumping on the canal . . . with my MOM
8. Fished for fish, but caught a crab infested oyster colony instead (it sure was fun to watch people react whenever a new crab was discovered)
9. Visited Sarah, Charlie, & Tullie in Charleston
10. Watched the boys play XBOX 360 NBA Live . . . and yes, they wore basketball shorts just to play the game