Silver lining on an 8 hour solo car trip up the east coast with a broken cd player & on the day the greatest American pop icon dies?
AWESOME RADIO MONTAGES.
And also the best radio quote EVER complements of the all-Michael request line in Georgetown, SC: “Los Angeles may have lost a star, but heaven gained an angel today when Michael died”
Most of you know, but for those that don’t, I lost the baby on Wednesday. I’ll keep you posted as things progress, but right now I’m just trying to focus on the present. On being here, r-i-g-h-t n-o-w. And on breathing, and on being loved by the people around me, and on enjoying the beautiful Alabama summer sun.
Yesterday I was talking with my mom, and although I know God is in control of all of this and that his plans are bigger than mine, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. I’m learning that it’s OK to be sad, OK to cry. There will be a time when I need to move on, but as the bible says, there is a time for everything under the sun. Now is my time to mourn.
In this time, I find great comfort in Ephesians 3:20.
“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”
I have to believe this, my inner core tells me that it is true. I also have to believe that this time will pass, and that the God that made me, loves me, and has a plan for me. He also has a plan for that sweet baby boy. Although I don’t know what it is, it is far bigger than I can ask or even imagine!
This past week was heavy (obviously). Big adoption developments. Weeping with my neighbor’s mother (he died in a car accident back in March). Big beginnings (hello there baby Ramogi!) and big endings with my friends. Lots of good-byes. A few hellos. But with all of that, there were also nice breezes. Like picking a blueberries (twice in one week!), afternoon rain showers, bike rides, & a few great runs. There was also a night where we longboarded until 2 am, and then another one where we ate a great meal & played a board game (so fun). They were nice times.
Last night I went to bed meditating on Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious about anything, but with everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” It seems to me that scripture comes with these little caveats, these things that make being a Christian, and actually believing the Bible, just plain hard. Last night it was the with thanksgiving part that got to me. So I get it, I’m not supposed to be anxious, I shouldn’t worry. I should trust God. . .but what in the world–I’m supposed to be THANKFUL? for the hard stuff? It didn’t seem possible–but the more I meditated on the words and the more I tried to pray through the heavy things of my life right now, the more I realized, that with thanksgiving doesn’t mean with celebration. To me it means, giving thanks for the privilege of being who I am, where I am right now. In these circumstances. In this very moment. It means recognizing that even the things that hurt, the things that are sad, the things that are big, and the the things that are small–these things are all a part of my story.
So I woke up this morning trying to do just that. To not be anxious. To pray and petition God in these circumstances–and to do so with thanksgiving. June 18 is a very big day. It’s also Thursday. And no matter what happens on that day, the next day will be Friday. And just as scripture comes with caveats, they are followed by promises. The verse that follows says, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Pretty cool huh? I do my part, caveats and all, and in that (no matter how big or small, happy or sad my given circumstances are), I get to experience the peace of God. It is definitely a welcomed peace.
Today was a good day.
I got to spend some time in my community doing things that I love. Picking blueberries. Seeing old friends. Making new ones. Finishing a project around the house. And there was a really great afternoon rain shower. I probably should have taken a picture of it, but I’m not really one to do things just because I should. Just close your eyes and imagine it. It was the kind of rain that makes the world smell fresh. The kind that once its over, you can feel the earth growing. The kind that make you want to open all the windows and doors, just to hear the drops fall. . .and you don’t even care if the floor gets wet. That’s what it was like.
Today it was nice to just be.
Comfortable in my own skin. Not worried about impressing others. Not fretting over an impossible to do list. Just finding things to do that were enjoyable. Being outside. Doing projects. Making things. Enjoying the sweet company of my friends. Breathing a little easier.
Yep. Today was a good day.
Truth is, some days hurt.
Heartache and pain are real and it’s OK to feel them. And it’s OK to recognize that some days are sad days. When the gospels talk about taking the narrow road, it is indeed the road less travelled. There are more road blocks, more delays, more complications. But it’s also slower, there’s flowers (like the kind that make you smile, not the kind formed in the shape of a smiley face), and it is indeed more beautiful than the interstate. . .most of the time. Sometimes the ruts in the road make it a bumpy ride, other times goats and cows are in your way and irritations, road blocks, detours, and the like make the narrow road seem too frustrating to continue. Truth is, sometimes its hard. But God doesn’t preclude us from hard. He actually pushes us toward it, and says, “This will make you stronger. This will make you more like me.” That doesn’t mean that it’s not going to hurt.
When I run, the runs that make me faster, tend to be the ones that hurt the most. These are the ones that make my legs and lungs feel like they are going to explode. Through the pain, I know there’s a purpose-to be a better athlete. To be faster, to be stronger, to be prepared for the race set in front of me. The same is true in life. The pain shows you what you’re capable of handling. It’s a refining of your personhood. To make you better, wiser, and more prepared for the life set in front of you.
Yesterday was a very sad day for me. Tears came (and are still coming) readily and even now it is a challenge to remember how to breathe. But breathe I must. And just as I run by putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again, I will walk through this challenge putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths, trying to find the sunshine and the flowers while walking the narrow path-all the while, finding comfort in the little things and in the knowledge that God is real and He is in a love relationship with me. A relationship that allows me to say, even in the storms of life, “it is well with my soul.”
Recently, this is how I’ve been feeling most days.
I’ll be glad when things start to look up with the baby and there’s a more definitive timeline.
Until then, I’m just trying to take deep breaths and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Dear Alana,
You always make me smile. . .and laugh until I cry. I am very glad that you were born. Here’s to another year!
Love,
Katie
(p.s. Want to go to the beach?)
Court didn’t pass today. I have another hearing on June 18. Hopefully it will pass at that point and I can begin making plans to bring my little boy home!!!
